Always a difficult subject this one. You can’t get away from it, dating and sex are inextricably interlinked. If you are meeting people romantically at some point you will want to go to bed with each other. For those who are religious, sex will remain within the boundaries of marriage. For many others sex is initially a test of compatibility – a big one. If you don’t get on well in bed, you won’t be going much further. Modern generations are sexually demanding, they know how to give and receive pleasure and expect the same in return.

If you have certain sexual outlooks and preferences you actively seek the same. There is no stigma about this, the fact is, we are guided in our choices by our sexual view of the world. If we are shy or sex does not play a big part in our world then we may actively seek someone similar. There is no point dating a stallion if we don’t enjoy sex. Then again if we are shy, maybe we are seeking a teacher. Marrying someone as a virgin is often now seen as too risky in the bigger scheme of things due to the risk of sexual incompatibility.

The importance of sexual compatibility cannot be underestimated. For years to come you want to be stimulated by your partner and you stimulate them. The desire needs to be there otherwise your relationship may feel that it is lacking. A special closeness may be lost. Let us be clear however, we are not necessarily talking about penetrative sex. There are many forms of sexual behavior and I refer only to our compatibility, in whatever form it may take. If we are to share each other’s bed, so we need to want to be in that bed next to the person we choose. Therefore, for those who say that sex is not important, then their partner must feel the same way too.

I once took a survey in our office of whether men liked to give oral sex to their partners. Two of the men said that their girlfriends did not like it and they themselves did not enjoy giving it. The girls in our office were astounded and laughed saying that this cannot be true. They argued that the women probably did enjoy it but it was the men who did not enjoy giving that pleasure. I don’t have the answers in this example except to suggest that the women were probably right and that here we were seeing a one-sided view of sexual compatibility in the two relationships mentioned.

Another issue worth mentioning is the ease in which sex frequently occurs in the early dates. This is a great shame. Certainly from a woman’s point of view, however emancipated you may be, your greatest weapon and gift is your body. A man who is attracted to you will want to sleep with you, yes. However if you really want that man and would like to build a relationship it is absolutely essential that you do not sleep with him in the early stages. Desire over a longer period will capture the feelings and interest of a man. His emotions and feelings will become heightened the more elusive you are sexually. There is absolutely no gain to be had in having sex on the first few dates unless your aim is purely sexual too.

I cannot spell this out too strongly. If you want to win a man’s heart, do not sleep with him immediately. An honest man will tell you that if you have sex with a girl on a first date, you may enjoy it, but you are almost certain not to want to date her because you were simply too easy. Men are hunters, then enjoy the chase, and the longer it goes on, the greater the respect and the more likely you will win his heart. Within limits – too long and you may lose him! he is a man, not a saint. I admit that this sounds like a sermon, but it is a tactic that works. If you simply want sex then fine, but if you want a relationship, hold off.

Guys, if all you want is sex, then do the lady a favor and go and pay for a magazine. You will tell her whatever she wants to hear to get her into bed. You can be slick, calculating and tell amazing lies but the following morning you will simply be seen for what you are, a lizard. The fact is, if you are a guy and reading this hopefully you are looking to date properly and are not looking for cheap thrills. In which case great. But do your dates a favor and back off from pressuring for sex in the early stages. Being sexy does not mean wanting sex. And another tip guys, leave the sex talk for later, especially in the early stages of dating. It comes across as sleazy and manipulative.

And finally. The first time you sleep together will be amazing if there is great anticipation and build up but can equally be an absolute disaster. Frequently it is the latter. It takes time to get to know each other in bed so take your time and never base the quality of sex on that very first time. Things can change and get a whole lot better. This is where your communication skills will be at their most important.

Okay so some basic points to think about:

• Never sleep with someone on the first date
• Do not chat about sex on the first few dates, especially if you are a man. Retain your enigma factor
• Never ever speak about sex with your ex when dating
• Never admit to how many people you have slept with
• Sex is generally important, let’s not pretend otherwise
• Being sexy is different to being available
• Kissing does not mean sex
• Have sex the first time where you are most comfortable
• Remember that if you want to leave it is best not to sleep with your partner at your apartment
• Always practise safe sex, there is no excuse
• Good sex is a good start, bad sex can get better though
• Avoid people who are selfish in their sexual needs unless you share them
• Never do anything you are not comfortable with
• Never ever be rushed into sex when dating

Here is a fact, people don’t make eye contact. They should and they do look at each other, but they look away when the other person looks back. Look at the commuters on a subway platform or in a subway carriage. They look at anything except each other. They use devices such as ads and books and papers so that they don’t look at each other. Why? Because when we look at each other and make eye contact something very personal happens. It is as if we can see inside each other and see what they are thinking. It is the opening to a conversation. Looking at strangers is a personal introduction.

Good, I am glad we have that out of the way. Because if we accept that we need to look at strangers to introduce ourselves, why then do we find ourselves not able to look people we find attractive in the eye? Well the answer may lie in the fact that we are scared when looking that we will instantly see disapproval for our glances and will be rejected. Being rejected affects our self-confidence levels so by not looking we protect ourselves.

We can glance from afar, even stare and appreciate, as long as they are not looking back. We can check out legs, hair, breasts, chest, ass, anything we can see, but we will then store that image instantly so that we can appreciate without getting caught. The instant the look back, we look away, and allow any form of appreciation in return. This leads to the glancing and return-glances scenario that forms the basic ritual of demonstrating interest.

Usually, one person , let’s say in a bar, sees someone they like and will check them out. Eye contact is made for the briefest instant and is followed by looking away. Glances will be made in either direction until eventually, if the feeling in both parties is mutual, the gaze will be held longer and this is then followed by a courtesy smile. Now, at this stage, approval being made via eye contact, it is time to do something about it. But in most cases, nothing happens. Why? Because the fear factor sets in and the man (usually the man) is put off by making a proper approach because she is in a group. A confident man will return the gaze and then move in.

The problem arises, that a man believes he has mistaken the glances and eye contact as accidental and will make mental excuses for this and then not make an approach. And the moment is lost. She may look at you once again as she moves on to another destination with friends. But unless you meet again in different circumstances you have lost because you showed yourself as having no wish to move in. Consequently you come across as a timid person. Fail.

So, men and women need to start knowing how to look at others and then know how to interpret eye contact correctly. First of all you need to begin by looking people in the eye and get used to it. Its no good looking oat the ground and then follow up with sly glances when they are not looking. Look at people and learn to smile at them. You may only be making new friends but who cares, get used to looking and being looked at. Being shy is not the way to a persons heart. Think of the expression “love at first sight” It’s never going to happen if you don’t get caught looking. As a man, should you look at a woman’s breasts and get caught. Sure you should. Don’t make it excessive, but if someone looks good, its nice to be appreciated, even if its just momentary and fleeting.

An old friend once told me that she found it difficult to look at men now she was single because an ex boyfriend had been so possessive that she had always looked at the ground when they were out. It took her years to learn to make eye contact with strangers again. So I can appreciate difficulties with eye contact. Shyness is another debilitating factor. Many of us are shy by degrees and making eye contact isn’t always easy but we should start practicing. Many are the people who had admirers but never knew it, simply because they never looked.

Another strange phenomenon is the common anxiety in people that when people look at them, they think it is an aggressive stance, not a friendly introduction. Men are often accused at staring at each other followed by the aggressive opener “what are you looking at !” Men with low self-esteem can view women in a similar vein by thinking that if a woman is looking at them, there must be something wrong. Women can feel insecure in the same way by men making eye contact with them.

A very interesting scenario occurred in the summer of 1996 when I was in a bar in Manchester, England and a gay friend of mine could instantly tell me which of the barmen were gay. I wanted to know the secret. Well he said that if you meet a girl you like, you will hold her gaze for a second or two longer than if you were talking to a man. As gay men were looking at you in the same way you look at a woman, he said, then the gay barman will look at you in a similar way by holding your gaze. I have tried this many times since to prove his point and it really does appear to work. What we learn from this is that eye contact is the way to instant attraction indication.

Then of course we have the physiological aspects to eye contact. Pupil dilation and the following of the eyes. On a date which is going well watch the eyes of your date carefully. If she or he is attracted to you, their eyes will dilate (get bigger) and they will hold your gaze as long as possible. But in the instant attraction scenario with a stranger across a crowded room, remember that the quick occasional glances will indicate initial interest so act upon it.

In summary, get used to looking at people and make deliberate eye contact with people you like. Try it in a shop, store or anywhere where you meet strangers. Try and hold the gaze of someone with a nice smile and watch the reaction. You will be surprised. I keep coming back to the same key ingredient in dating. Confidence. Eye contact means confidence and the more you practise, the better you will get. Finally, always remember that not everyone you meet will be attracted to you, so expect some glances never to be returned. Making eye contact is fun.

Think about how many times you have heard the expression “mysterious stranger”. Think about how many times you have heard someone say ” I really want to get to know you more”. People are attracted to mystery. Being enigmatic, in other words, not knowing what makes a person tick. Not knowing their thoughts. Not knowing everything about them provokes instant challenge. A mysterious stranger is an attractive person. You want to know more, you want to gain their attention you want to be known to them. Someone you can read like an open book lacks that essential quality and is therefore less attractive at first glance.

To be successful and attractive when dating it pays to keep something in reserve. A busy person is an attractive person because their life appears to be full, but you don’t actually know that. You simply wish to know more. And in trying to know more, you find an interest level that you didn’t find in those that offer you everything on a plate.

An enigmatic man has an air of mystery. An enigmatic woman has the same. Your desire quotient is increased significantly if you don’t allow everything in your head to spill out to anyone within earshot. Mystery is a challenge and we know that challenge is inherent in many dating scenarios. By being a challenge to someone who wants to get to know you and by making them work for it, so your chances of success in the dating game are so much higher.

People often say that they meet someone when they least expected it. This is partly because by being busy with their every day routine they didn’t notice that someone had taken an interest in them. This is often in part because you are busy. You are promoting an air of desirability because there is a mystery to you. Your life seems full and they are interested. They want to know more about you.

It is worth noting however that enigma and mystery are very different from being stubborn and moody. Not knowing about your life and what makes you trick is one thing. Being downright secretive is something completely different.

Here are some key tips to being enigmatic and mysterious:

• At work or with friends, don’t bore the office with every opinion you can muster.
• Always keep something back when relating a story – why and how and when are details for later
• Don’t announce every plan you make. Keep some things to yourself for a while
• Do not phone people, let them call you
• Don’t always return calls and never instantly
• Keep your private life private. It is not open for general discussion and debate
• Don’t be too available but don’t explain why you are not available either
• Keep people guessing
• Making interested parties think they are no the only person interested in you ups the ante and increases your desirability
• Don’t reply to emails and text messages at weekends
• If you are using a dating service, don’t reply to emails and messages at weekends
• Be busy without giving details of what you are doing
• Break plans occasionally without giving too much away
• When you do meet up be entertaining and fascinating without giving every detail away
• Never discuss ex partners and refuse to be drawn on the subject
• Use an evasive enigmatic smile to answer questions to great effect
• Even when people beg you to know more, keep them guessing
• Never be too available, your diary is always semi-full as far as anyone is concerned
• Mention you were with ‘some people’ but say little else on the subject when relating a tale
• Let people do the running and don’t do the chasing unless necessary
• Have different groups of friends who you don’t mix together
• To be highly effective, create the desire initially then ration it afterwards. They will treat you like a drug, craving more due to the great times they have when they do eventually get to see you
• Learn key expressions like “oh I have been really busy”, “wow its been crazy”, “I have lots of plans this week”, “my diary is really full” and “Oh I have been doing so many things” without giving more away
• Be a challenge and never be an open book. Make people work to get to know you

Being mysterious takes practice and takes time to get right. Once you do so and are comfortable in not being in constant communication with people they will soon desire to know more. It is a fine balancing trick however because if you are too evasive, people will tire of you and move on.

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